Tuesday, 27 November 2018


‘I didn’t come this far to only come this far’,’Rory in Gilmore Girls was a crushing disappointment and I’ve never been more thankful for it’,’how to readjust the way you imagined yourself and where to begin because I have no clue.’ and ‘Blindsided by Bon Iver’. Here are a few working titles for what I’m about to write without actually knowing what I’m about to write. On Monday, sometime after 1 p.m., all candidates for Senior Council were called into a room so that results could be announced. I didn’t get through and I will not be on the council. I will not be Chief Editor, I will not be Chief Editor. 

My best friend was standing behind me and the director of my school called out names, none of which were mine. No one looked at me but my cheeks flushed in embarrassment, white-hot embarrassment. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and then two. My face burned and I felt my heart drop to my feet, I couldn’t comprehend it. As all results were announced and people started to disperse, I turned around and cried, hard; I couldn’t comprehend it. This was mine but apparently, it was not and the crying continued. I had rushed to the washroom now but everyone had already seen me, my friend luckily followed suit. You’d think that I would think about the things that I wouldn’t be doing at this point but instead, the most random images flashed through my head. I saw the red thread on the floor of the auditorium that I was sitting on earlier that day that bothered me, I thought of how often they would replenish toilet paper rolls in the washroom and how much soap an average person uses for one hand wash. I thought of all this and cried, I didn’t stop crying for two days. Correction - I stopped crying briefly to spite the school by ‘rebelling’ but I just got fucked by my teachers and this will most definitely be brought up in my next PTM. 

I can’t remember what all the stages of grief are but I think I surpassed them all in the wrong order, as well as ensuring that the angriest Pink Floyd songs were my soundtrack to the stages. I’m still not sure why I’m writing this and almost 400 words in and yet, I have not touched the titles mentioned in the first paragraph. I guess I should begin.

1) ‘I didn’t come this far to only come this far’

I work hard and I ensure that it pays off and in the process, I never actually thought of the alternative, what if I work the hardest and it doesn’t pay off? This may sound silly to you but a person can think of alternative futures but never actually believe in them. I believed in one future and thought of the rest in a passing glance, now I’m living in a future that I didn’t plan and didn’t believe in. Somewhere, this is completely my fault. I should have prepared for this but I couldn’t bring myself to because I believe that if you truly want something and give everything to one thing, you’ll get it. My beliefs are a little shaken. 

I’ve come very far, no doubt. I work every day towards the person I’m trying to become and more often than not, I don’t consider the person that I am right now. I’ve come so far from events in my life and personality traits I used to have that I didn’t like. But I didn’t come this far to only come this far, and that takes a while to digest.

2) ‘Rory in Gilmore Girls was a crushing disappointment and I’ve never been more thankful for it’

I watch a lot of Gilmore Girls, in fact, I think I’ve seen the first three seasons seven times. I loved Rory’s work ethic and positivity and I wanted to emulate it. The reason I stick to the first three seasons is because after Rory achieves her high school dreams she becomes a nightmare. She treats people badly, is shockingly under-confident, drops out of Yale, quits studying journalism because someone told her she can’t do it, lives off of her rich grandparents, steals a yacht and loses what made her her.

On Monday, all I could think of was “I understand where she’s coming from”, which terrified me. The course of her life shifted and she couldn’t handle it. So, I watched season 6 episode 20 through season 7 episode 1 and I looked at a crumbling person. I could not become that. I just couldn’t. I looked to her for inspiration when it came to studying and I will most definitely look at her failures. Where she failed, I’m determined to try harder and that’s what I’m doing.

3) ’how to readjust the way you imagined yourself and where to begin because I have no clue.’

Like I had previously stated, I pictured twelfth-grade me with a badge. I’ve lost that. I like to plan things and I didn’t plan for this. So now, let the assessment begin. I was really bad last night and I didn’t know what to do, I can’t remember ever feeling so helpless. My eyes hurt and my cheeks were so dry and everything was so hard. I had spent the majority of the day sitting in my favourite cafe, drinking coffee and studying for a test I had today. But I just couldn't do it, I was so manic I thought that if I went I would start bawling in the middle of giving the test. I imagined writing a long answer and crumbling to the floor because I don’t know where to go from here. 

I didn’t tell my mother any of this, I walked to where she was, gave her a hug and said that I didn’t feel well and I can’t go tomorrow. She later came into my room and told me that I should take the day off, I can make up for the test and I shouldn’t have to go to school like this. I’m so thankful for that. Because I’m rebuilding myself a little bit today, I’ve planned it.

4) ‘Blindsided by Bon Iver’

Blindsided - catch (someone) unprepared; attack from an unexpected position.

Bon Iver is a great band but I usually limit them to study sessions and early mornings. However, on listening to Blindsided again, I understood. Because that was exactly what I was. I was blindsided hard and it hurt. The song is inherently sad but it made me feel so much better because throughout the entire song, Justin Vernon is blindsided and after mulling it over and talking about it he was blindsided, just like that. A lot of people have tried to comfort me and I’m incredibly grateful for it. They tell me that this feeling passes and it won’t matter later on, but that doesn’t help me. Because this isn’t ‘ later on’, it's now and it sucks. At the same time, I couldn’t agree more. I am right now but soon everything that I’m feeling right now and doing right now will be referred to in past tense, everything will be referred to in past tense. 

In conclusion, this wasn't about me not getting Chief Ed. Sure, that's what triggered it but it doesn't justify me completely losing it. No, this was about me blindsided, left completely unprepared and cold and I'll try my hardest to ensure that it will never happen again.


  1. This is honestly so beautiful. I'm so proud of everything you've done I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

  2. I'm so proud of you lil one and you know I'll always be there for you. This is really good and I'm glad you are getting back to blogging. Hope to read alot more very soon. Much love


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